Two weeks or so ago, I wrote up my "summer bucket list" of things I would like to do, accomplish, and experience this summer. It's quite the long list that will take more than one summer to complete. However, in there, there are a couple of more-immediate goals and needs. A 'goal' was for more opportunities to play the piano and to work my way back up to the point of "piano proficiency" I had reached 8 years ago. A 'need' was for a "real" job. Both were things that I prayed for.
Monday. Dad gets a phone call from the worship leader at church (Dad plays violin with the "worship team") ... asking if I could play the piano or keyboard as Pastor (who normally plays piano) would be out of town.
Gah! Wait no, God, I didn't ask to play for church - that's not what I meant! Please let someone else do it. I don't know the more contemporary songs and the praise team a bunch of scary, crazy good musicians. It will be a disaster if I say yes. You've seen my hands shake.
But, for some reason, I was impressed upon to say "yes". So I said yes.
Tuesday. Mom is talking on the phone (:eyeroll: ... she's always talking on the phone) and her cell rings. It's my old piano teacher calling. Mom motions that I have to answer ... talking on the phone is, umm, not my favorite thing. Whatever, I can handle this. My old teacher wants me to play piano at her church service the following Sunday as she is the church pianist and will be out of town.
Goodness Lord, what are You doing? I'm not a real pianist. And I plain-old don't want to do this. Is this what you thought I meant? Maybe I phrased my prayer incorrectly.
This time, I tried to come up with more excuses, but she said to let her know. I mentally fought with this all day ... but finally, I realized ...
What good were all those 9 years of piano lessons if I'm just gonna' say 'no' every time? What about the reason that I always told people that I wanted to be able to play and serve the Lord? What if I'm never going to be any better of a player than I am right now? What if now is the time that the Lord wants me to play, not some distant "someday"?
So again, I was impressed upon to say "yes". So I said yes.
Wednesday. At lunchtime, I went for the interview for summer math teacher at a local private all-boys boarding school. I really wanted this job. I prayed for this job. I needed the teaching experience, I needed the wages. It went well.
Later that evening, I went to the practice session Wednesday night with Dad and Roman and Mason (who were asked to sing and play guitar, respectively). "Tense" is a mild way to describe my feelings and posture. But as soon as we got done introducing ourselves and praying as a group, I really can't describe the wave of relief that pretty much washed over me. That's one of those expressions that is overused, but it genuinely felt as though a wave came over me as God bashed my apprehension into bits. Not only did the rehearsal go well, I actually enjoyed it. The people were just - so real - so nice - so wanting to honor God with every ounce of their being. It was refreshing and encouraging.
Lord, I am so glad that you "made" me say yes. This is still a very weird, a-little-surprisingly-sudden answer to my prayer of wanting to play piano more often ...
Thursday was sort of a "blah" day with nothing spectacular going on (planting urns and cleaning out a garage at the flower shop doesn't exactly make the summer bucket list) ... except waiting and anticipation of finding out if I got the job.
Friday. I followed up on the job interview with an email to the chairperson (as he had requested) and awaited his reply. Surely God would answer my prayer on this one. It would be the perfect position. 17 cemetery urns and 10-potting-soil-filled-fingernails later, I get a response email about the job.
"I am sorry to inform you ..."
That's all I needed to read in that sitting. The rest of the consolation job rejection email could be read later.
Honestly, I don't understand. Why not? Is it that I just don't have the experience? God, I needed this job. Goodness, I just need a job. What could the reason possibly be?
Needless to say, it was disappointing and a little ... depressing. I know, I know. 2 weeks out of school and "still unemployed" is not the end of the world. It's just not fun to keep being "rejected".
Saturday was another "blah" day with more planting around graves for the flower shop and a lot of organizing/unloading of stuff we had retrieved from my apartment Friday night. It was hot and sticky. Oh, as a side note, I apparently know how to make milkshakes that rival ice cream shop shakes ... good to know ...
Sunday (today). The service and music went very well - the Lord calmed me again. Then came the sermon from Pastor L ... on the "What if's" of life. What if __________ had happened differently? What if ____________ had been chosen instead? The questions we ask ourselves every day.
His text was chosen from Philippians 3:
7 But what things were gain to me, those I counted loss for Christ.
8 Yea doubtless, and I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ,
9 And be found in him, not having mine own righteousness, which is of the law, but that which is through the faith of Christ, the righteousness which is of God by faith:
10 That I may know him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made conformable unto his death;
11 If by any means I might attain unto the resurrection of the dead.
12 Not as though I had already attained, either were already perfect: but I follow after, if that I may apprehend that for which also I am apprehended of Christ Jesus.
13 Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,
14 I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.
My too-long-already sermonette could keep going, but the things that I was reminded of were ...
Nothing I do for my own glory counts. It's all worthless except what is done for the Lord God. The most important thing right now is for me to know God. There is no "what if I had gotten that job?" - it's now in the past, and I need to forget that which is behind. Reach for the things ahead of me. Press forward toward the mark.
There is a reason that God answered my prayer for more piano-playing in such a quick way. There is a reason that my prayer for a real job is still seemingly unanswered. There is a reason that God didn't want me to have that teaching job. There is a reason that I need to keep looking. There is a job. Or maybe there isn't. Maybe it's something else entirely.
Whatever it is, I have been reminded that God's got the whole "roadmap" of my life to look at ... it's my job to follow His lead and press forward.
If you actually read all of this, go get yourself some ice cream. You deserve it ...
